I know Matt has thoroughly cornered the “hate” part of our blog/podcast, but I’m having a moment of hate right now, and felt like doing a turn myself. On the record, of course, because I’ve gone and coined a new term through a random Facebook comment – oddly enough about the fact that it’s snowing outside right now. Let’s hope we hear many people in the future discussing how and why they’re getting the shitvers.
“The Shitvers”: a sensation of witnessing something so horrible that it gives you chills and makes you shit at the same time. This can be caused by an event, person, place… anything you’ve experienced, or can imagine experiencing.
1.) Denzel Washington. He gives me the shitvers because he hasn’t played a single role outside of the “angry black man who’s been repressed by society/whitey/the man” that’s ever been worth watching. His struggle to portray actual human emotion through acting is laughable. I can’t stand to watch him make the same angry face in a movie, or even a movie trailer, ever again. His performances are cringe-worthy and they give me the shitvers. I have boycotted Denzel since the late 90′s. I’ll see your Denzel Washington, and raise you Jamie Foxx. I’m not a poker player. Did I get the syntax right on that?
2.) Jimmy Fallon. I guess a lot of people like him and the new Late Nite, now that he’s the host. I’m not one of those people. But people must like him at least somewhat because he has a studio audience at every taping. I know this because they insist on filming the audience for at least half of every show. If the host is good enough, audience participation can be kept to a minimum. I don’t expect anyone who can actually tell a good joke to constantly rely on their audience to try to get awkward laughs. Late Nite can be funny, but its usually despite Jimmy Fallon. I admit that I watch his show occasionally because I’m such a huge Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien fan, I usually end up watching Fallon if I don’t wise up and switch it to Ferguson quick enough. The most redeeming factor of his show is that The Roots are his band on the show. I’ll also admit that I knew who they were but never really heard any of the Roots music before the show, so I loose indie cool for that. Whatever. They’re genuine, they play good music on the show, and they do it well. The song they wrote as the intro to the show is great (so are the motion graphics for the intro, to digress even further). But anything that’s funny on that show can be attributed to a guest or the producer Lorne Michaels. If Jimmy Fallon weren’t such a douche on SNL and just about every movie he’s been paid to show up in, and were actually funny, I wouldn’t judge him as much for being such a horrible interviewer. I gave his show a fair shot and I don’t like it. As it stands, Jimmy Fallon gives me the shitvers.
3.) Drew Barrymore. I’m going for it. I know Jimmy and Drew are friends. They talk about each other a lot. But it’s not just Drew’s association with my number two Shitver that puts her on my list, nor her deplorable acting skills or trite, uninteresting movies that gets me mad. It’s her face. Did she have a stroke? Seriously. Did she? I’ll drop it right now if she did and apologize to her. But if her face is just like that… it gives me the shitvers.
4.) Renée Zellweger. Same thing. Shitver inducing face. Renee doesn’t seem to have a medical excuse or child acting career with rampant teenage drug use to rely on for why her face is the way it is. She’s simply got the uglies. She’s in a fair number of romantic comedies where she plays the “not so pretty” and “kind of fat” loser that most girls wish they weren’t. I don’t think I can criticize her most of her acting. Except for any of the westerns she’s been in – she nearly ruined them. As for the romantic comedies, it doesn’t take a lot of skill to act in one of those. So on that count, she’s done perfectly fine job of pretending to be a loser fat chick with relationship issues. Its not fair to constantly type-cast actors, but she deserves it. Also, her voice annoys me.
5.) Reality TV stars. Any of them. All of them. They all suck. There is not a single redeeming quality of reality TV. Avoid it like a Cop Drama or you will have an uncomfortable chill coming down your spine that will rest in your bowels and empty them all over your nice new undies and pants. Then you have to take a sick day to go home and change, all the while trying to figure out how you’re going to not stink up your car, stain the bench on the bus, or waddle in from your mode of transportation once you’ve pressed the (now chilled) shit into your undies, spreading it along your ass and down your legs. Also, since you’ve been sitting in shit for a good 10-30 minutes on average, you can expect a shit rash. Babies get them, but so will you if you sit in that crap long enough. Get a life, watch something with a decent script and stop using the failure of others to make yourself feel better. Besides, there are far better outlets for things like that (FAIL blog, et al)
6.) The new Republican party. I shouldn’t really draw the line. I hated the old Republican party too, but the so-called “new” one isn’t any better. We always had Rush to give us the shitvers in the past. Now we have fools like Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Ass Hat W. Bush, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachman, Fox News, Scrote Hat Drudge, and sad little Glenn Beck who will cry if he doesn’t get his way. Oh, there are more. I’m sure I’ve let out a few kooks and quite a few more spooks. The end result is that the party of Reagan, is also the party of conspiracy spouting, sexist, racist, idiotic (read: uneducated) southerners and mid-westerners who never left their podunk town out of their super-sensitive and ubiquitous feeling of fear. Being scared of anything different is a horrible way to go through life, but when that fear turns into hate, it becomes dangerous both to politics and to the lives of the American people. Leave your rightfully owned guns at home, you fools. Own them in private all you want, just don’t bring it to a political rally and expect to be taken seriously.
I leak a lot of directed hate in this here blog, and to be honest it’s really tongue-in-cheek. I see my criticism as an attempt to be funny, so whether you laugh or not, I enjoyed writing it. Likely a few people will disagree with the points I’ve made. You are welcome to. There’s a comment section below.
That does it for me. It’s stil snowing and my girlfriend just brought me some fresh baked cookies and a glass of milk… I’ll be in my room.
I know Matt has thoroughly cornered the “hate” part of our blog/podcast, but I’m having a moment of hate right now, and felt like doing a turn myself. On the record, of course, because I’ve gone and coined a new term through a random Facebook comment – oddly enough about the fact that it’s snowing outside right now. Let’s hope we hear many people in the future discussing how and why they’re getting the shitvers.
“The Shitvers”: A sensation of witnessing something so horrible that it gives you chills and makes you shit at the same time. This can be caused by an event, person, place… anything you’ve experienced, or can imagine experiencing.
1.) Denzel Washington. He gives me the shitvers because he hasn’t played a single role outside of the “angry black man who’s been repressed by society/whitey/the man” and none of them have ever been worth watching. His struggle to portray actual human emotion through acting is laughable. I can’t stand to watch him make the same angry face in a movie, or even a movie trailer, ever again. His performances are cringe-worthy and they give me the shitvers. I have boycotted Denzel since the late 90′s. I’ll see your Denzel Washington, and raise you Jamie Foxx. I’m not a poker player. Did I get the syntax right on that?
2.) Jimmy Fallon. I guess a lot of people like him and the new Late Nite, now that he’s the host. I’m not one of those people. But people must like him at least somewhat because he has a studio audience at every taping. I know this because they insist on filming the audience for at least half of every show. If the host is good enough, audience participation can be kept to a minimum. I don’t expect anyone who can actually tell a good joke to constantly rely on their audience to try to get awkward laughs. Late Nite can be funny, but its usually despite Jimmy Fallon. I admit that I watch his show occasionally because I’m such a huge Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien fan, I usually end up watching Fallon if I don’t wise up and switch it to Ferguson quick enough. The most redeeming factor of his show is that The Roots are his band on the show. I’ll also admit that I knew who they were but never really heard any of the Roots music before the show, so I loose indie cool for that. Whatever. They’re genuine, they play good music on the show, and they do it well. The song they wrote as the intro to the show is great (so are the motion graphics for the intro, to digress even further). But anything that’s funny on that show can be attributed to a guest or the producer Lorne Michaels. If Jimmy Fallon weren’t such a douche on SNL and just about every movie he’s been paid to show up in, and were actually funny, I wouldn’t judge him as much for being such a horrible interviewer. I gave his show a fair shot and I don’t like it. As it stands, Jimmy Fallon gives me the shitvers.
3.) Drew Barrymore. I’m going for it. I know Jimmy and Drew are friends. They talk about each other a lot. But it’s not just Drew’s association with my number two Shitver that puts her on my list, nor her deplorable acting skills or trite, uninteresting movies that gets me mad. It’s her face. Did she have a stroke? Seriously. Did she? I’ll drop it right now if she did and apologize to her. But if her face is just like that… it gives me the shitvers.
4.) Renée Zellweger. Same thing. Shitver inducing face. To drive it home: I couldn’t remember her name so I went to ask my girlfriend, “What’s the name of the actress who’s face I hate?” and she replied “Is it Renee Zellweger?” Renee doesn’t seem to have a medical excuse or child acting career with rampant teenage drug use to rely on for why her face is the way it is. She’s simply got the uglies. She’s in a fair number of romantic comedies where she plays the “not so pretty” and “kind of fat” loser that most girls wish they weren’t. I don’t think the worst thing about her is her acting, though. Except for any of the westerns she’s been in which she nearly ruined. So, as for the romantic comedies she’s been in, it doesn’t take a lot of skill to act in one of those. So on that count, she’s done perfectly fine job of pretending to be a loser fat chick with relationship issues. Its not fair to constantly type-cast actors, but she deserves it. Also, her voice annoys me.
5.) Reality TV stars. Any of them. All of them. They all suck. There is not a single redeeming quality of reality TV. Avoid it like a Cop Drama or you will have an uncomfortable chill coming down your spine that will rest in your bowels and empty them all over your nice new undies and pants. Then you have to take a sick day to go home and change, all the while trying to figure out how you’re going to not stink up your car, stain the bench on the bus, or waddle in from your mode of transportation once you’ve pressed the (now chilled) shit into your undies, spreading it along your ass and down your legs. Also, since you’ve been sitting in shit for a good 10-30 minutes on average, you can expect a shit rash. Babies get them, but so will you if you sit in that crap long enough. Get a life, watch something with a decent script and stop using the failure of others to make yourself feel better. Besides, there are far better outlets for things like that (FAIL blog, et al)
6.) The new Republican party. I shouldn’t really draw the line. I hated the old Republican party too, but the so-called “new” one isn’t any better. We always had Rush to give us the shitvers in the past. Now we have fools like Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Ass Hat W. Bush, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachman, Fox News, Scrote Hat Drudge, and sad little Glenn Beck who will cry if he doesn’t get his way. Oh, there are more. I’m sure I’ve left out a few kooks and quite a few more spooks. The end result is that the party of Reagan, is also the party of conspiracy spouting, sexist, racist, idiotic (read: uneducated) southerners and mid-westerners who never left their podunk town out of their super-sensitive and ubiquitous feeling of fear. Being scared of anything different is a horrible way to go through life, but when that fear turns into hate, it becomes dangerous both to politics and to the lives of the American people. Leave your rightfully owned guns at home, you fools. Own them in private all you want, just don’t bring it to a political rally and expect to be taken seriously.
I leak a lot of directed hate in this here blog, and to be honest it’s really tongue-in-cheek. I see my criticism as an attempt to be funny, so whether you laugh or not, I enjoyed writing it. Likely a few people will disagree with the points I’ve made. You are welcome to. There’s a comment section for each and every blog on the site. 
That does it for me. It’s still snowing and my girlfriend just brought me some fresh baked cookies and a glass of milk… I’ll be in my room.
In loud booming voices,
The Talko Jeff
