Talko Grande

So, now that episode #3 of the Talko Grande Podcast is on the site, I figured we could put some faces to the voices you hear shouting at you every Sunday night. Kurt’s wife Karen was so gracious as to take all these pictures with the camera I brought over that night, so many thanks to her, since it’s kind of hard to take pictures of the three of us with the camera held out at arm’s length. I can do it, and I’m quite good at it, but the pictures look a lot better when a 4th person takes them.

Here are a couple individual shots of the 3 of us.

In loud booming voices,
The Talko Trio

Que pasa Norteños, lumberjacks and GLBT-Anarchists! Enter the world of Talko Grande and prepare to be alienated!

In loud booming voices,
The Talko Threesome

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (29.2MB)

Just when you thought it was safe to get back out on the internet, Talko Grande is back in your grill!

This show is all over the map, so strap on your seat-belt and enjoy the jag? (JeffJag?)

Also, subscribe to us on iTunes, and also probably buy some of the things we mention in the podcast.

And also, probably, stay tuned for the next episode. We’ve committed to posting new episodes every Sunday from here on out. Check back each week to make sure you get your Talko Grande fix.

In loud booming voices,
The Talko Fuckers

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (24.6MB)

Welcome to the first podcast of Talko Grande. You can smell how green we are, and that’s only a reference to inexperience! But we kick it off with a fun hour of grande talking. We’re only getting started, so subscribe to the feed on iTunes and follow our progress.

The explanation of the terms got a little muddied in the first episode.  It was intro’d in the podcast, but here’s the definition for future purposes. I think it makes more sense in these ways:

To Slap a Fat Chick = Trying to get back on topic. To “gress,” as it were. Someone calls you out on being off-topic by saying this phrase.

To Fight the Fat Chick = Refusing to get back on topic. Going further with your random tangent and refusing to “gress,” after you’ve digressed. Fighting a fat chick is an uphill battle that you can not win, but god bless you for trying.

In loud booming voices,
The Talko Men

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (28.2MB)

I was just watching the video for Journey’s Faithfully and something occurred to me.

Pussy must have been MUCH, MUCH easier to come by in the 80s! I mean re-watch any music video from the 80s if you question me. The guys in these bands were just this side of cross-dressing bridge trolls!

The guys from Journey and all their doppelgängers.

Most of the male “sex symbols” from the 80s look like some odd combination of pedophiles and recovering heroin addicts asking you for bus fare so they can make their 2:30pm appointment at the methadone clinic!

Granted I’m not a proponent of the pussification of males known as “metro-sexuals,” but Jesus Christ, why has anyone ever grown a stand alone mustache and though, “This thing is going to be a vagina magnet!” Has ANYONE in the history of the world ever looked good with a mustache?

Don’t even get me started on the clothes from the 80s! My feeling towards this fashion revival can best be illustrated by an outing my wife and I had to the thrift store. We walked in and were greeted by a women wearing an 80s knit vest, flannel print hot pants atop stirrup stretch pants, and pirate looking 80s mid-calf zippered boots. My wife looked at me disapprovingly and all I could say was, “I want to throw up on her outfit!”

But seriously though, given the look of these guys and the general look of male “sex symbols” from the 80s I’m forced to conclude that women were just giving away sex for free in the 80s. Either that or everyone was too coked out to care that the other person looked like a pile of dried cat shit adorned with a mustache, feathered hair, and a vacant look in their eyes. This has to be true otherwise most of us 20-30 year olds wouldn’t fucking exist!

Here’s some food for thought next time you’re oiling one up to rub it out! Just imagine that you wouldn’t be here if your parents…The same people that currently live in their ranch style house in the suburbs and complain about the lack of rain killing their lawn; The same people who look like hell NOW, and probably looked even more ridiculous in the 80s, were probably buck-ass-naked banging rails off of each others asses, tossing their feathered hair aside and conceiving you while “Rock of Ages” raged on in the background! The scent of sex, Aqua Net, ditch weed, and acid washed jeans weighted heavy in the air, and with a grunt from your mustached, teased haired father you were created! EWWWWWW…

Have fun with that mental picture until next time…

Being that we’re a new podcast I feel it’s necessary to alienate as many would-be listeners as possible by saying, “FUCK ME, I HATE HIPSTERS!” I’m sure it’s something that will come up frequently on the podcast, but you might be asking yourself, “How do I know if I’m a hipster?”

Well Talko Grande being the upstanding citizens that we are have created a simple check list and solution chart to help you diagnose whether or not you’re a full fledged doucher-hipster or just a run-of-the-mill poseur!

1. Are you between the ages of 15-30?
2. Do you find yourself drawn to shitty 80s fashion?
3. Do you shop nearly exclusively at second hand stores despite the fact that you could easily afford to shop at normal stores?
4. Do you wear non-prescription glasses?
5. Are your ear rings measured in increments of inches in gauge diameter?
   
6. Have you stopped driving a car in favor of a fixed gear bicycle? This may or many not be related to global warming…
   
7. Have you ever received a tattoo in a foreign language, or any tattoo that you describe as “ironic?”
8. Could your hair cut, clothing, or facial hair be described as “ironic?”
   
9. Did you go to an art school only to drop out because they school was, “too commercial, and you’re all about the ‘love’ of art?”
10. Do you and your friend regularly slap homemade politically themed stickers on Post Office Boxes, newspaper boxes and such?
11. Do you think that capitalism is the scourge of the earth, but you aren’t entirely sure HOW it is the scourge, or what scourge even means.”
12. Do you work at a used book store, record store, second hand shop, or comic book store, but it doesn’t matter anyway because your parents still pay your rent?
13. Are Miller High Life, Pabst Blue Ribbon, or Milwaukee’s Best your favorite beers?
14. Do you claim to be able to hear the audio quality disparity between CDs and Vinyl, and still prefer Vinyl?
15. Do you own any Modest Mouse, Bright Eyes, Death Cab For Cutie, or Andrew Bird music, but claim you were “I was way into them before anyone else heard of them, and besides, I don’t like them anymore because they sold out?”
16. Have you ever claimed to be a “DJ?”
17. Do you go to art openings because your friends go and it would seem out of sorts if you weren’t there.”
18. Do you claim to only listen to NPR?
19. Do you claim to hate television, but will vehemently defend shows from your childhood, such as He-Men, GI-Joe, Alf, Saved By the Bell, and Transformers?
20. Do you claim that Catcher in the Rye, On the Road, Breakfast of Champions, anything by Chuck Palahniuk, or David Sedaris is your favorite book whether or not you’ve even read it?
21. Are you currently wearing a band t-shirt from a tour that you didn’t attend?
22. Do you know who Steve Aoki is, and if so, is he a favorite of yours?
23. Have you ever claimed to be an artist?
24. Do you describe your art as avant-garde, interpretive, derivative, primative, outsider, or modern?
25. Are you in a knitting group?
    

Did you answer ‘Yes’ to 13 or more of these questions? If so, proceed to Talko Grande’s handy-dandy hipster reformation step-by-step procedure.

1. Ride your fixed gear bike to the bank and withdrawal your monthly allowance that your investment banker father gives you.
2. Ride your bike to the nearest sporting goods store and purchase .357 brass jacketed field rounds.
3. Ride your fixy to the nearest pawn shop and purchase a Taurus 2605021 model 605 handgun.
4. Hop back on the fixy and head to your favorite neighborhood coffee shop for a final glass of yerba matte, or chai.
5. Bike back home and turn your favorite Elliot Smith song on repeat.
6. Light a candle and sit in the closet.
7. Load your Taurus with the .357 rounds purchased earlier.
8. Place your Taurus in your mouth and pull the trigger.
9. Listen carefully. Somewhere in the distance someone is congratulating you! For the first time in your life you set a goal and followed through! Hooray for you! For once in your life you weren’t a failure!
   

Matt and Kurt,

I stayed up and edited the CSS for some nifty design/color changes. Hope you guys like it.  Actually Matt txt’d me at 6am and said he liked it. I was up though, which is odd… Please log-in and replace this with something a lot more witty and funny like Matt’s original post that we lost.