Talko Grande

Kurt and Jeff talk about reaching the full potential that animals have to offer.  Some of Kurt’s improvements on modern animals:

High falutin' chipmunk!

Ready for a night on the town.

Kurt's failed idea for harnessing the power of flight.

2 Cat Gyrocopters, a Bunny Jetpack, and a Baby

The baby has nothing to do with this podcast.

Some More Cat Gyrocopters...

Close Encounter!

Even goats need to get around.

For use in aquatic shows?

So, the dolphin’s fluke pushes the arm up and down, and the cog turns the wheel ’round and ’round.  The flippers have some bike-brake style turning controls.

This dirty hippie is going places with his gorilla mommy!

So your dog can keep it's face from being punched while it defends itself.

Jeff's Dolphin Wheelchair and Gator Legs

So Jeff’s dolphin wheelchair harnesses the power of the dolphin’s natural swimming ability to drive itself.  The water can circulate through the tubes to create power for a turbine-driven wheel propulsion system.

Jeff thinks gators are too low to the ground.  How to get them up higher?  Gator legs.  Long, sexy, gator legs.  With a security camera for security, I think.  Maybe so you can control it like a predator drone.

So, we didn’t get a picture of an otter who could break a shark open on it’s belly with a Pikachu themed bionic suit, but we did find an otter with a beer.

Otter with a Beer

Predator drone

Otters could fly these!

Get that nerd outa there and put an otter in it!

Otters could totally break open a shark if they had one of these!

Power assist legs

This is what Kurt was actually talking about, though.

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Suck it, Scott Aukerman!  Jeff and Matt are back!  We play “Would You Rather” as it was meant to be done.  Long enough to be in two parts again.  Here’s some links for better understanding the content.

This powerful Canadian beer references a satanic canoe ride!

The strippers Matt talks about.

From about 3:50 into the above video to 4:30, the strippers Matt talks about are featured.

Too much fake tan on these strippers!

Norman Rockwell plus......Lisa Frank equals...

...Thomas Kinkade! The "painter of light".

Megan Fox’s toethumbs:

Thumbtacks are no match for these things!

Boris Vallejo painting is similar to...

... a Roger Dean painting

Be here. Be you. Do what you would do in this situation.

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… and the thrilling conclusion!

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As a place holder while Matt and Jeff were less available, Kurt thought he would get his friend Jamie to record his California tales- misadventures in trying to leave it all behind! Jamie is an elusive and rare bird from the forest canopy of Aurora who has lighted on a branch in Capitol Hill. We can admire him for now, but he could be off to see the world at any moment! Jamie and Kurt discuss our love of women, our shyness, my shoe problems, and we appreciate the humor in failing our most intrepid puncturings of our local bubble. Ladies, he IS available. -K

Two similar shoes on my feet.

A look that Jamie reproduces for us.

What a man's chest SHOULD look like...

Jamie Sings 3 French Songs looking very dapper…

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Welcome back to the talko. We’ve encountered some scheduling problems and technical difficulties already this year, so we’re off to a slow start.

We recorded an episode with long-time fan and sibling of the show, Marianne. To our sadness and dismay, this episode was lost into the ether due to a technical error. We apologize to her and our fans for not only losing the show but for being behind on recording new ones.

This week’s show, the first episode of season two is short. Kurt and Jeff are the only ones on the recording. Ideally, this won’t happen again. The plan was to record one half with Kurt and Jeff, and the second half with Kurt and Matt, and append them together as a whole show. We might end up using this format some time in the future if scheduling continues to be difficult, but this show is lacking our great friend Matt, and it suffers the loss of his signature wit.

Please enjoy what we consider to be a placeholder show and look forward to our triumphant return to greatness next time.

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After the much needed refractory period Talko Grande has worked up another nut and has it fixed and aimed on your faces! Brace yourselves for yet another audio facial with part two of Talko Grande’s exploration of bad pornography! Special Talko guest Jacob the Jew remains in the Blew Room for the thrilling conclusion to this rousing and arousing discussion!

In loud booming voices,
The Talko Bunch

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Matt's smooth porn stylings...

Where do we begin…porn, we’ve all seen it, we’ve all loved it, and we’ve all hated it!

Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart once said of porn, “I know it when I see it.”

Undoubtedly he knew it when he saw it because he had his dong in his hand the minute he realized what he was seeing.

Kurt is as sexy as he wants to be.

That being said there are always a few things that can derail the sexy time. During this episode the Talko boys and special guest Jacob the Jew the top things you can do to ruin a good porn!

Get cozy, get lubed up, and get ready to just relax and take the new Talko Grande balls deep. Don’t worry baby, we’ll be gentle…

Jeff, women want him, and men want to be him...

In loud booming voices,
The Talko Gang

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This porn show was so thick and veiny that we had trouble fitting it all in. That being said, here are some general notes and guides on what to do, and what not to do if you find yourself on a crowded Chinese bus.

In loud booming voices,
The Talko Staff

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The end time has come and gone. Luckily, you survived. Now what? Don’t get caught with your pants down, unless you’re painted black, chubbed up, and ready for blood like our friend Matt. Team Talko forms out of the ashes, rubble and dead bodies to provide Denverites and like-minded folk a way out of ruin and into safety. We debate the course of action and decide on a plan. This is a fictional account of what we would do, if presented with a general post-apocalyptic scenario that can include all of the possible causes we listed in the previous episode. Listen to this podcast before the apocalypse happens, so you know what to do.

Jeff recently saw the movie The Road, based on the novel by Cormac McCarthy, after we recorded this episode. He would like to state that this podcast, it’s advice and guiding principles holds pretty well to Mr. McCarthy’s dystopic vision of the future in a post-apocalyptic world. Jeff would also like to take this moment to highly recommend this movie to anyone who is a fan of independent cinema, great storytelling, great acting, and say that this was the most realistic vision of a post-apocalyptic world that he’s ever seen in film. While that might not seem like such a bold claim considering most apocalyptic fiction has to do with even wilder science fiction in the form of zombies, aliens, or extreme bio-terror, he still thinks that is worth mentioning.

Here’s that wiki Post-Apocalyptic Fiction page mentioned in Talko #12.  It makes for some interesting reading. While you’re there, donate 10 bucks to the organization. It’s non-profit and benefits everyone.

If you’re a religious person (or zombie) who wants to air some beefs with us over any of the last 3 episodes (or for any reason, really, including good reasons) feel free to do so by contacting us at our new Google voice-mail number: (970)-36TALKO.  That’s 970-368-2556 for the people who just wantdigits.

And if you’re too shy to give us your actual voice to air on the show, send us a loving or angry letter via gmail at talkogrande. I’m counting on you all to type that in the proper format email uses.

Lastly, if you haven’t noticed, TalkoGrande.com now features a Recipe section. Look up there at the very top of the page next to our “about” link. Hit it up.

In loud booming voices,
The Talko Team

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Jeff and Kurt

Looks like someone ruined the world and everyone but us died. How did it happen? Talko Grande coming direct from the Gassy Knoll, painted black and chubbed up, tackles the hard journalism and gets answers for you. We go into the possible reasons why and pin down how the apocalypse happened.

For the record, this episode and the next were recorded prior to episode 11, but we posted the Breakfrashmiss episode first due to some technical difficulties and also wanting to start the holiday season on a good note. Please enjoy our time-displaced references to Thanksgiving.

Don’t blow a dooker out your panties with horror, because Talko Grande is coming to you with the sequel to give you the plan for what to do now that the world is dead! Should you hit up the supermarket? Not until you have a gun! We give you the step-by-step on how to make your way through the Post Apocalypse in episode 13 coming in a week.

In loud booming voices,
The Talko Guys

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